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and I'm not talking about sugar-free carbonated soft drinks.We live in a fluff-free era—people know what they want and aren't afraid to express their opinion in ALL CAPS, followed by a series of passive-aggressive emojis. In hopes of answering your burning questions, here are 13 dating apps ranked (lovingly and subjectively) on how likely you are to end up takin' old one-eye to the optometrist.Dating is the same—we've reached critical mass, and that critical mass is critical on getting their mass touched. Anyway, with the act of dating living solely on a mobile platform, the dating app reigns supreme. Hey, gotta quench that thirst somehow—what's that famous Mother Teresa quote?Oh yes: "Get it girl, get it get it get it, girl." A dating app that allows people to meet based on their intellectual capacities rather than their looks! But, you know what happens when two smart people meet?They engage in hot, sweaty, intellectual conversations about Proust.Do you know where Marcel friggin' Proust is Some people stick to their guns when they say they don't care about looks—and bless their hearts.Unfortunately, we're literally engineered to gravitate towards attractive individuals who smell like redwood trees and caramel.
However, you will be getting LAID EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (of the first Monday of the month when it's convenient) when you're married. Like Beanie Babies were supposed to do in the 21st century, Hot or Not made a legit comeback with its app. I mean, you've got to know that people are down to clown if you match on 3nder—no one's on this app in hopes of finding a meaningful relationship with two dudes named Brad. Grouper has taken every part of a bad date and stuck them together until a good date is formed: rich tech kids, strangers, bad wingmen, and micromanagement. So when four aroused like-minded individuals are in an enclosed environment under the guise of bragging about their startup until someone's pants come off...well, that leads to a new sexual move called "The Steve Hand Job." Tinder is about as 21st century as it gets. Tinder has become tricky in the sense that some people have caught on and realized there are decent human being on this app...however, if you swipe right on a Saturday at 2 a.m., you're not going to wake up alone—OR ALIVE. When you have a successful business and a whittled-down user population, you're going to have one successful hookup app.What's especially satisfying is the taboo-free interface that, frankly, allows you to get as taboo as you want. Let it be known that Luxy only ranks high in this list because hundred-dollar bills are a straight-up aphrodisiac in America. You're set up on a foursome with a friend and two anonymous people and are told to go into a restaurant until sparks fly. Grindr actually predates Tinder by three years and absolutely nailed the dating game by simply giving people what they want: nearby folks who want to take the scenic route to the bone zone.What's more sexy than finding sex on a sex-free app? We support our prior statement that "Luxy is a dating app for giant rich douches," but we generally hope that everyone on Luxy loses all their money in a Ponzi scheme. You can talk to a person, but can't see what they look like.Even if you have a great conversation with a person, you're not going to want to bone them if they look like Rex from close to getting it right—the one thing they didn't anticipate: charging money kills erections faster than, I dunno, bees?